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by geordieb1

Question by : Is this story fine? Correct me, if I’m wrong. Thanx.?
Here’s a story which I’m writing. It’s called ‘Guardian’
Chapter 1:
Why does life turn out to be a horrible nightmare? Especially, when you’re moving into another place? I hate changes. It would be weird because I’m a sixteen year old.
I turned to stare at the road, and the sceneries, since I stepped into the taxi. My elder brothers, Micah and Laurens were on their world playing PSP.
“Ronnie?” my mom called from the passenger seat. I didn’t know she was even calling me out, for twice. “Would you stop looking so tensed?” my mom said, brushing her long red hairs behind her left ear, to have a clear look at me.
I mouthed “Sorry.” to her. She gave a big sigh, when she caught me clutching my charm chain, which my granny gave me before she died from lung cancer.
Clarrisa, my granny that is my mom’s mother and she was the only witch in the family. She didn’t deserve to be dead. Now, Clarrisa won’t be there anymore. I will be the one; she knew she was going to die. Her gene is passed to me. Granny still has powers, but for the last breath, she kept her powers in a bottle, and told me to keep it in the grave yard.
All I had to do is, go to the grave yard, and tell the witch code to the man in charge of the yard. It was Divine. So he lades me through a room, where billions of bottles filled with mysterious magic, and on the bottle had a slip where the power’s guardian name was written.
My mom gave a smile at me to be nice, and looked in front, again. My mom, Jenna, didn’t believe in magic, but still, she would bring me candles and incenses when I needed.
My dad is a traveler, currently, he is in Indonesia. His name’s Jonah, he has visited France, Spain, South Africa, Dubai, Brazil, and many places which I don’t really remember. He has bought some type of gifts from these places. This means he would be only with us rarely. But this doesn’t mean we’re not close to him. He loves his family, of course.
Once, I got to visit India with my dad. In India, I bought many types of incense from India; I heard that in India people believe in supernaturals. So you get to have many charm bags. That was only for a week. Micah and Laurens weren’t really interested in visiting India; they wouldn’t miss the summer, because they get to surf.
My mom worked at the Better magazine. Now, she’s working at the fashion studio. She is one of the photographers, working in the Glamour magazine. Awesome, right? Sometimes, my mom lets me to go through the dress arranged in the studio, all tight fittings for the models. I do stuff some dresses into my huge school bag, and keep an innocent face. People don’t even notice that clothes are missing. Shhhh.
“Here we are!!!” mom shouted with excitement, even Micah and Laurens were out of their PSP world. I looked from right to left. A tall building with open windows. And four garages. There were even many more of them.
I stepped out of the taxi, and I felt new there. I wasn’t excited, I just felt good. May be life in Dallas won’t be that bad.
My hands were sweaty, and my white tank top faded to grey, which almost looked like a sweatshirt. My thin long legs felt cold, I should’ve worn tracks or jeans, my bad, and I wore a black mini, one of my stealing. I and Candra would shop for like two hours. Candra was my own age. We both felt like soul sisters. She was my best friend since when we were something like 2nd grade in California.
It all started when I put a growing plant spell on our plant project, to grow it better. Candra was wondering how it grew really fast. I told her the truth, and since we were besties. She kept her promise.
Candra gifted me the Cathy’s new collection, purple leather belt. Which looked very trendy, the same one which worn by a model in Seventeen. Candra’s mom, Theresa, is a doctor who’s working at the medical center, back in Cali. Her dad, Maise, is an assistant manager of a really huge hairspray company. This makes Candra’s family rich. She is their only daughter. So she gets to spend anything she wants.
I mean, she has her own credit card, not really her money, but it’s her parents account, her mom rarely goes for shopping so she passed it to her. Her parents don’t even care how much she spends, well, she, actually, does use it wisely. Per day, she spends at least, maximum 400 dollars. Which is good, because she only buys the things which she uses it? You know, some rich girls buy thousands of dresses which they don’t even wear them. But, Candra is NOT like that.
She gained 20 pounds more, from her before weight. Most of her clothes were not fitting her, especially the ones which are tight, so she gave it to me. So she brought new clothes, the size 6, which fits her perfectly. Her other clothes were size 2. I’m a size 2. So any clothes fit me.
A man came out of the house, he was tall and thin, he welcomed us with open hands. My mom went with him, caught my hand and p

Best answer:

Answer by Lauren
You make grammatical and spelling mistakes, and your writing is too blunt and choppy. You’re also going into too much detail about things you don’t need to go into detail about. You don’t need to describe everything down to how much money a character spends and what her dress size is, it’s too much. I want to know their personalities, not their banks accounts. I also don’t understand why it’s especially weird to move at sixteen, you don’t make a whole lot of sense with some of your sentences.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t like it. I don’t know the story, but the powers in the bottle, mother working for a famous magazine, being stick thin and having lots of money…I didn’t really enjoy it. If you rewrite and take your time and really analyze every sentence to make sure it fits, then I think you could do better.

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